The reason is seen sitting in the wheel-chair.I took this photo on August 4th, just 11 days ago.
An eternity ago. No more pictures of Leonor, never again.
If I had somehow been insensitive enough to take photos of her 3 days later, then last Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and - worst of all - today and tonight, it would have captured everything we are living with, fighting harder and harder against. Not to prevent her end. I know there is only ever one winner in these wars. But to give her everything so that she may know as long as possible that she is not alone. There already is no dignity. it has gone. But warmth, comfort, familiarity - these things can bein plenty. Friends, in my whole life I have seen a great deal up very close of al that is the worst and the best possible to us. Never have I seen anything like this, sofast, too fast, changing with each day.
That picture captures one of the moments of a great victory for us that day. Her first outing in a wheel-chair to the doctor became her best day in months. As we arrived in the street, the local people - who have known her for decades as a proud, smart, concerned, life-loving, strong woman - started to appear: neighbours, friends, shop-keepers (3 seen here), greeting her with Portuguese warmth & tenderness, kissing her, talking with her. And she responded every time, with joy. the 2-minute walk unexpectedly became15 minutes there,15 minutes back. What jubilation!
I am not going to describe what is wrong; it doesn't matter. Nor how she is just 11 days later. Only to tell you that my body hurts in 3 different places from what I have had to do - and done happily - tonight. This is why I am in this Nowhere place. And this is why I have no more time to use my blog to cushion me, sustain me, help me through this. This is how YOU have been helping me, without knowing. Andmore; there have been real, deep friendships made in the past few weeks. Genuine. Believe me, that is something I have been rich in all my life. When it comes, it is recognised easily. It is an immense added value fromthisdaily journey and intercommunication around the world. So many truly beautiful people in this. I wish it could go on, but sincerely, it would only become from now on, too much of a paradox, a contradiction with the new daily reality and drain time that is urgently needed. It is maybe a tragedy, I don't know. I do know that my wife has suddenly become incredibly black& white, clear, simple. I also know that I can't ever be indifferent to people in trouble or suffering. Kala, you remember the comment about Thomas Paine yesterday? That is why I am also happy! My philosophy & the way I practise my life is intrinsically tied to the quote in the post above.
Leonor is legally my Mother-in-Law, though my still-legal wife & I have lived apart for nearly 8 & a half years. We are best friends. But that is only one part of it. Leonor is Leonor, I love her for that and I signed up to fight on her side and my wife's side with everything I am, everything I have, till the end.
I hope there is no need to explain the other photo here to anyone. It represents what is coming.......... Thank you, obrigado, graçias, denk u, merçi, ef charisto every one of you. I'll try to return, so don't forget about me!
8 comments:
I´m so sorry for you. Unfortunately, exactly a year ago today my dear father was bed-ridden and never got up again. I will certainly miss your beautiful pictures and hope you will come back again. Bjs
Leonor
I AM strong! That's why I am here in Nowhere Land. I knew what was coming and I knew the sacrifices I was making. But the knowledge that this was the right thing to do means that in fact there was no sacrifice. What is the good of 'Qualidade de vida' if you know there is suffering and pain that YOU could do something to alleviate? To have continued living as before in Lisbon -were it possible - would have been monstruous selfishness and indifference. And these, along with hypocrisy, are moral crimes to me.
I never expect anything from anyone. you know how I am, I never under-estimate or over-estimate anyone. I treat them as if it was a level playing field. You have my respect UNTIL you prove you don't deserve it. I will only say here that your comment here has upset me, because you concentrate on what is totally of no importance. The only one just about who knows me personally, face to face.Aren't you just a little bit ashamed? Read the words of compariative strangers!The place & time do not matter one instant. What it is here for is to illustrate the gravity of the situation, the steps from life to death. And your date is, I believe, wrong.
Now Leonor You also are Leonor? I KNOW you understand. I KNOW you have been there.What you cannot know is that today,my Dad would have been 93. Nor that my mother died 16 years ago today. Dates....
I thought we might lose another one today. Well, there are still 23 hours to go. Thank you so much. I wish you continued strength & healing.
Stewart,
You and Pedro have been very kind and supportive. I got used to visit your site daily, although I rarely leave comments. I, honestly, just don't know what to say. I like most of the photos but I'm afraid to make silly comments, cause, for the last couple of weeks you have been giving signs that something was not alright with you (perhaps with the world itself).
Well my friend, I already miss you and your pictures and if there's anything I ever can do for you please just let me know.
Another coincidence: This Tuesday’s afternoon I went to Guincho (even though I drive that road lots of times, this was the first time I step foot on the sand).
And yes... it's almost 3 o'clock in the morning.
Carlos
Yes, Leonor is my real name.
You are a great guy even if I did not meet you, that you put youself
helping your family and friends I whish you the best, stay strong
yo no sé que decir.
Somos sordos y ciegos tan fácilmente que da miedo...
un abrazo grande.
You are truly a fighter and giver of life - I read this post and read it twice and I look up into the sky with the warm sun felt upon my face - just the simple things in life, I cannot take for granted - how lucky I think those around you are for having you next to them, to be their pillar of strength!
Stewart, you always make the choice you n eed to make - to start blogging, to connect deeply with people that nourish and sustain your spirit, and now to stop while you devote your energies where they are most needed. Though I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of you!
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