Time and a Word

Today is my 200th post. No, not "The Full Monty". I have a strange mind. 2 days ago, just after I'd had a shower, I suddenly thought it was time to take some self-portraits. No particular reason, other than lack of photo-ops lately and the morning light was good.
Time has come today. This afternoon. The time is "now" and the word is "Out". I have 3 weeks to leave.
If you wondered a few weeks ago why the homeless man mattered so much to me, then here is one of the reasons.
You may have noticed that I could hardly post any of the many Lisbon Christmas lights pictures, of which I'm so fond and also proud. more seriously, I have been able to deliver my follow-up stories to the homeless man. For the former, I was too sad. For the latter, I have been unable for 3 weeks to enter the website where 6,000 of my digitalised film photos are stored. Among them is the story of my friend, Mario Barata, excluded but perhaps the greatest example I know in Portugal of the man with almost nothing who is also probably the most generous person I know here. I had wanted to show him to you, how he lives, how he is; it was to be a positive corollary to the man in the wheelchair (who incidentally used to be a drug-dealer and mysteriously fell out of a building - a common story).
When I arrived in this country on 16 May 1996, there was a popular song that you heard all the time: "Um, dois três, vou nascer outra vez!". It must have been the first Portuguese song I learned the words to; 1, 2, 3, I'm gonna be born again!". And that is how it felt.
Now I'm supposed to do it again? The second, arguably the third move since last 2 April.
I kept telling you that time was running out. It always is. And now it has run out.
Are you going to be angry? Upset? Please don't be. You have no right to be angry with me that this time, after the various threats, I REALLY have no more time or peace to do this.
Shocked, that I can understand.
I have tried to give me best, as much of me as possible until the end, knowing that this day was approaching. I neither choose to let anyone down, nor lose anybody. Whatever you may think about it, try this: this world is no dream. For me, it can be damned hard, mostly because this is how I'm made and it is my own doing. I wished you all miracles, precisely because I know what they are. My life has been a miracle since I was a baby. I see no miracles in front of me now.
I am distraught, lost, I feel broken and most of all, tired out. There is no "back" to return to, no "home". I am a refugee.
Of all the people who may read this, there is one, 3000 miles/5000 kms from here, who will understand this well, as he is facing a similar predicament, in maybe even worse circumstances. Others among you are also carrying real burdens - of care for loved ones in need, or of personal difficulties which bring sadness, stress & depression, mental pain besides physical suffering. We travel together, in isolation. Our friendships are deep, immense help, they offer so much support & shelter from the storm. But ultimately, we can only do the necessary alone. On the internet, we can't even reach out and hold each other, see each others' tears. Or smiles.
So please don't be angry with me. You have next to no idea of what highways, roads and alleys I have walked to get here. Like I don't of yours.
I want to name personally - as my simple, inadequate thanks - those whose hearts have really touched mine. I hope I don't forget anyone. There is no order but the one that enters my mind: Jenny, Ruth, Carlos, Mademoiselle P...No, Pilar!, Analia, Audrey, Meg & Ben, Marguerite (cergie), Ana S, Papalagui...No, LEONOR!!, Ana G (pequete), Edwin, Oliviah, Mar (marcaliope), Marjan (afotografia), Paul (nikon), Stephen Bess, Terry (tsduff), Mousie, Antonio Sevila, getzapped, dr A, peter, louise, louz, elaine, mll, lynn, photowannabe, neorelix....I must have forgotten some, but I'm happy that there are no glaring omissions.
There are many others who have expressed their appreciation for what they have found here.
I am truly sorry, particularly to the newest arrivals this week, that you can only look at archives, if you want.
Maybe there will be some new things here, if I find time, because I have a 'pending' list, including one draft all ready to post. I'll try.
And if - after all this coming upheaval, I can and want to return, then I might. First, as Genesis sang in the song 'Afterglow': "Like the dust that settles all around me, I must find a new home". A home.....I haven't had one of those for a long time........
It's good to post those 4 pics above, because I think I at least look happy enough and without a care in the world.
But I end this with the one below. Why? Well, you can check if you want. I close Post 200 with the same picture with which I opened this door, for Post 1.
Be your best, be strong, be smiling, but whenever you need to cry, try & make sure there's a big, warm shoulder close...........