Friday, July 27, 2007

The End of Blue

It is the REAL end.
It has to be.
The music went first. Then the poetry. But then photography came.
Now that has gone, along with the writing, the escape, the brain.

Presume nothing. It is even worse than it may seem.
I owe many people so much that cannot be repaid, because of this "Time & A Word".
But it is just one more thing that I can no longer do, or be part of, so much have I disintegrated these past few weeks.
I have a close friend who keeps telling me that I am a survivor. That is because she can't face hearing me, or seeing how it has all been tearing chunks off me for too long, but faster & faster, like the pull of gravity.

"The Flames of Eden" has to be the most appropriate place to end and bring the curtain down. That is where I will try to explain more, for any one who is wondering, for those who are concerned, for everyone still around who matters and deserves an explanation.
It is sheer horror. I know full well who I have been. I have tried to give my best in return for all the salvation, support, marvels that this medium has brought me from the earliest days. It started as an attempt to help me adapt to an immense change in my life, 14 months ago.
Ultimately, it cannot be enough, as I suspect that all of you who are in greater or lesser extents of personal difficulties, know.
Yes, I've threatened it before over the past 11 months. But this is now, and I can really no longer be even an invisible presence on your places, when I can't write a comment, or an e-mail, because I have lost my articulacy, my sensem my will, my strongest defences aginst the horror that is happening, which has no alternative.
This must all seem terrible. I make no apologies. Presume nothing; this is MY life, nobody else's.
At the start of this week, I needed to check in my archives all of those posts about the homeless man from December 10th last year, for a friend in Northern Ireland.
The biggest shock,- the opposite of a serendipity - was that I realised instantly just how much I have changed since Christmas, particularly since February.
These past 3 weeks have seen an even more rapid change.
I am empty. For that, the blue sunsets.
But also, something I took one evening last week - blue - that has become a kind of signature-photo: the single pigeon over the blue boat, on the blue, darkening river.

Please check in "The Flames" for my valediction.
Be well, look after yourselves very well. Better than I look after myself.

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RUTH said...

Damn & blast and a few other expletives far worse. Fighting my own demons that I can't bring myself to blog about or I'd be there for you. Wherever, whatever, whenever.... hang in their Stewart.
With deep love

Aura said...

Dont know what to say...its your decision, your life...we all have our own demons, some handle it well & sadly,some they dont..

Be well Stewart, wish you all the best!!

Audrey said...

You have given so much Stewart even at times when it all seemed like too much, you came, you cared, you carried your gifts and laid them gently before us. No more? Not now, perhaps never again.

My thoughts will return to you time and time again and they will be warm and good, my heart and soul will always wonder.

Peace be with you my friend as I open my arms to let you go, but first a warm embrace of gratitude and love for all you have shared xxx Auds

Words just seem so inadequate at times :(

Mauigirl said...

Stewart, I hope whatever you are battling is vanquished soon. I am thinking of you.

Nikon said...

Do what you have to do, Stew, but I wish that you can at least slow down the process - & come back!!
Whatever happens, I am behind you.

photowannabe said...

Stewart, this makes me so sad. I wish you well and you will be missed. God bless you.

Tea & Margaritas in My Garden said...

This is so sad. After finally being able to find such sadness. Whatever it is...may it be vanquished soon.


Pequete said...

I've been without internet for almost 3 weeks and this is one of the first places I'm checking out - actually, I'm just granting you and Inspiration Award in my first post at PequeteArtJournal after this long absence. I'm so sad to read about your anguish. I wish you all the strength to survive it. I hope you know we'll all be here anyway.

tsduff said...

Thank you for all your pictures - just looking at them over this past few years has been soothing and brought beauty to my soul. Thank you for teaching me what Gaviota means... it is the name of one of my favorite beaches in Southern California. We may be internet people, but I'm just as real and in the flesh as I sit here in front of my computer as you are, and my heart is filled with sorrow and consternation at your anquish. Thinking of you still.

Cergie said...

En réalité, je ne comprends rien du tout
J'imagine les pires choses à ton propos et ce n'est pas fait pour me rassurer
Certains arrêtent simplement parce qu'ils ont envie de passer à autre chose, parce que blogguer ne les amuse plus
Certains parce que provisoirement ils n'ont plus le temps

Toi, il semble que ce soient les aléas de la vie qui t'ont terrassés
Des ennuis de santé
Ou autres, trop de soucis
Oui, on peut tout imaginer
C'est à toi qu'appartient ta décision.

Mais qui va m'apprendre des mots comme "serendipity " que tu emploies ici pour l'opposer.
Qui va m'écrire en français avec un accent Britannique délicieux ?
Qui va écrire ses messages en utilisant des mots, des tournures de Grande Bretagne, alors que tout le monde du blog en général ou du moins ceux qui viennent me voir sont des Etats Unis, de Phillipine, de Nouvelle Zélande, mais pas du pays où est né la langue anglaise ?

Tu vas me manquer, Stewart, toi qui as une place unique dans mon coeur...