Friday, August 25, 2006

The True Meaning of 'Awesome'

No, these photos are NOT awesome. They might be very good, or so-so, but they are only photos.
Awesome was the reality that they managed to capture. I guarantee that they are a very close likeness to what I actually saw.
These skies are something bigger, more powerful than us. Maybe we have so much knowledge, control and power over our environment these days that we don't need awesome anymore, as we don't feel awe.
Well, I do, sometimes. So I'll only use 'awesome' when it is accurate to describe what I feel for something that is greater than my understanding and more powerful than I am, so that I feel respect mixed with perhaps a little fear.

Yesterday was truly the worst. It felt all day like being thrown off an express train thatyou hadbeen travelling on for weeks. Leonor in hospital for a second day, no movement, the news & prognosis all bad. Somehow she had developed diabetes in the past few days; the lymphoma was happily roaming through her, unstoppable, eating the remaining good cells like it was Pacman, as voracious as it is ferocious. I was broken last night, utterly broken, the emotions raw and bleeding.
This evening, we went to visit again. Miracles were inexplicably were waiting for us. Small ones, but sufficient. She knew we were there and with effort, from her far away distance, she showed she knew. She moved her arm to reach for Ana's hand, she responded primitively to her voice, a questions. Each time, her small sounds were recognised as the words she was trying to say.
For me, the best was the last. I bent close to her face, like I have every night when it is time to leave. As always, I said in English, "Night night", which she would always return, although every night since last Friday, weaker, fainter, but unmistakeably the English words.
Tonight, from her sleep, she responded immediately with sound, groaning the vowel-sound only. I knew it, but couldn't believe it. I kissed her, and told her I knew she could hear me. I stood up for a few seconds, then repeated the whole process. This time she responded a little louder, a little clearer. Her friend heard it also.I left her with a huge smile and told Ana, who had been waiting outside.
The feeling from this is immensely positive, an inspiration to us all. We know she isn't coming back. Maybe it won't happen again. Maybe she will be able to open her eyes a little tomorrow, or on Sunday. Who knows? What we know is that this was a great victory for us and for Leonor. Because it is like shouting at the lymphoma, the devil-beast inside her that it can't have it all its own way. She is still fighting and it feels like we have taken some time back from that beast. It happened and that it did, miraculously, is awesome! Posted by Picasa

9 comments:

ana said...

Your skies are awesome, but the reactions you got from Leonor were almost miraculous. You are a very good man. Night night, Stewart.

Icarus said...

I get to comment first to myself (LOL). No, seriously, I just wrote a follow-up comment about the response to mamireis in yesterday's comments and I hope thepeople concerned get to read it. Thanks tutti!!

P said...

eres una persona con un corazón gigante. y eso es awesome también...
un abrazo con canciones :)

Icarus said...

Y tu tambien! Yo lo sé. Me hace falta, nuestra conversaçión musical! Pero voy à ofrecerte algunas lineas de una cançion portuguesa si linda, si poetica que está en mi cabeza:
'Este mundo não tem porta,
Nem una chave escondida.
Por trás de tudo o que importa
Vem um sentido p'ra vida'
I like that a lot!

Antonio Sevila said...

Las fotos son muy buenas... pero para mí lo impresionante es tu humanidad en la terrible situación que estás viviendo... y además te preocupas por mamireis... serás un hombre de ninguna parte, pero que bueno sería que los hombres de todas las partes fueran como tú.
Tienes todo mi respeto.

Manuel Tendero Gil said...

hol que tal todo espero que bien muy buenas fotos un saludo

marjan hols reis photography said...

awesome these moments and that you can put them in words.
These moments you havenobody can take them away, all the best today.

Jenny said...

Thank you for sharing this incredible experience - the one you wrote about today, and all of it. I will not be around for most of today or tomorrow but will be thinking of you and Leonor throughout all of it.

Oleanderman said...

Those are some tremendous skies nicely captured. I'm glad you had some interaction with Leonor again, to know that she knows you're there and appreciates it.